So this is the decision I've made...

If I were being honest with myself, and writing the truth here, I'd have to be up front about the fact that I have not been doing what I need to be doing to 1) lose weight and 2) control the blood sugar level. I have not been doing a good job of it since the boy was born, really. I've been making what can barely be described as a half-hearted (half-assed?) effort at being a 'good little Diabetic' these last 3 1/2 years. I kind of pay attention to what I eat. I rarely, if ever, actually check my blood sugar. I exercise if I'm feeling guilty about it. A 'good day' at work is making only one trip to the vending machine. Some of this may be redundant, but bear with me. I feel as if I need to get it all off my chest.

I did so well from the time I was first diagnosed with the Diabetes until I found out I was pregnant. My blood sugar was well under control and I'd lost 80 pounds, and was still losing. Go team.

I did well while I was pregnant, also, even though it was unbelievably stressful... checking my blood sugar (I just can't abbreviate it with b.s. ... call me immature...) 4 times a day, calling the doctor's office twice a week with the readings to find out if they wanted to adjust the insulin... and the endless doctor's appointments - OH MY GOD - by the last month of the pregnancy, I was going to the doctor twice a week. I only gained 28 lbs. By the end of the pregnancy, I was only up to 32 units of insulin daily, and the doctor told me that most of his Diabetic patients are up to four times that much insulin by the end of their pregnancies. When the boy was finally born, I thought "I'm giving myself a month off. I'll get back on track after that, but I need a month of not thinking about it." And a month turned into two, which turned into six, which turned into a year... and now here we are.

I can't fault the doctor for my irresponsibility. I can't expect another doctor to do any better of a job with me, if I'm not going to do what I need to do when it comes to all this. I have to stop wallowing in the self-pity and take responsibility for my actions. I like to use the excuse of being too busy to focus on what needs to be done... I work all day, and want to spend time with my son when I get home, so how am I supposed to find time to exercise? Exercising would take away from the time I can spend with him. Eating healthy is too expensive. We're so limited financially right now that it's hard to cook healthy meals. Not to mention the fact that I'm so tired and stressed out that I just don't feel like putting the effort into planning meals, and in-turn planning trips to the grocery, so that we don't end up wasting so much food - fresh vegetables and such - by throwing it away when it goes bad. It's so much easier to stop at McDonald's for breakfast than to get up ten minutes earlier in the morning and make something here.

So. . . I have tucked away the information for the 'new' doctor that I'd planned to call this week. I'm checking my blood sugar when I should. I'm making a conscious effort to think about what I'm eating before I eat it, to plan ahead for meals, and all that. And I'm exercising - hells bells, if I can't take 30 minutes a day to do something for me, then there's something wrong. I'm going back to the same doctor I'm seeing now in August, and we'll see what the results are.